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If you want to get home without having to call the police, DON’T pick up a taxi from www.islingtoncars.co.uk.

2am, Monday night. We finish up an evening of teppanyaki dining, access all areas passes and tourbus shenanigans. Needing to get to the other side of London, one of the roadies hands over a number of a taxi firm. Within minutes, the driver arrives and we get in.
“How much will it be?”
“£30, is that ok?”
“Yeah, fine.”

The journey goes without hitch until, at Surrey Quayes, the driver pulls into a petrol station.
“I need you to give me money for my petrol.”
“Err, no. We’ll pay when we get home.”
“No, you must pay now.”

An argument ensues. The driver threatens to phone the police, but I swoop in first and beat him to it.
“Can you tell me where you are?” the policewoman says.
“I’m not sure,” I respond. “I’ll ask the driver.”
“I’m not telling you,” replies the driver, getting more and more red-faced.

Shouting continues until the police arrive.
“I don’t think they’ll pay me, so I want them to pay me now,” explains the driver.
“Why would we not pay you?!” I question. Since public transport back to our house still requires us a lengthy walk – uphill too! – we regularly take taxis. And always pay. And sometimes even tip.

The policewoman intervenes.
“Can everyone stop shouting? I’ve been called out here on an emergency, and quite frankly, this is anything but an emergency. This is a waste of my time!”
3am on a Tuesday morning is a busy time, right? Maybe if it was a single woman in the taxi she might have perceived the situation differently.
“Have you got the cash for the taxi?” she asks.
“No, the cash point doesn’t work. But there’s one at the end of our road before we get home and we planned to get it out there.”
“Right, well, how about you get back in the taxi and we’ll follow you to the next cash point. You can get the £30 out there, and then he can drive you home, and you can pay him when you get home.”

We all agree. We stop at the next cash point, and I withdraw the fee. The police, not even out of their car, shout across “Have you got the cash?”
“Yep.”
And off they go.
“Right, now you pay me,” the driver says.

Flabbergasted.

“No, the police said we’ll pay you when you take us home. We’re still at least five miles away.” The driver had clearly lied about needing petrol, since he didn’t refill at the station, and we didn’t want to be fleeced for thirty quid and stuck on Lewisham High Street at 3am.

“You have to pay me now.”

I’m about to go mad. I’ve got a flight to catch in a few hours. I could’ve been home already. Instead, he continues to argue – bizarrely – that we must pay him in the middle of the journey.

One final attempt, I think. “Listen, we’re not paying you before we get home. If you’re not going to drive us home, then we’ll just call another cab.”

He stands fast. “No, you pay me now, or I’ll phone the police again.”

“Fine.”

We walk to the train station – having paid our bitter driver not a penny – hoping a black cab might be sloping around, waiting for its final customers of the evening. No luck. We telephone our wonderful local taxi firm, who pick us up in no time. He drives us straight to our door, as we recount our experience, which dumbfound him as much as us.

“How much is that?” I ask, as we pull up outside.
“Eight quid please love.”
“Here’s ten.” I smile.

We’re finally home.…

Here at RHV HQ, we receive many an email asking us to review an artist’s music. Often times we take a listen. Other times, we simply don’t have the time. Less do we have the inclination to review something we’ve never heard of that has landed in our inbox without introduction. Here’s an email thread of a recent conversation I had with one such happy-go-lucky type, who seemed entirely confused that his band was not my top priority.

Band: Just to clarify, the ep is out on 28th JUNE. NOT 28th MAY. Apologies, x

RHV: What is this referring to? Cheers.

Band: Hi, Was referring to THIS:

————————————

Hey, I hope you’re well. I’m just emailing to announce the release of our debut ep, ‘Sink’, which will be available at all good online retailers on 28.05.10.

I was hoping you’d be interested in running a review of the ep? Instead of sending out hard copies, we’ve created an EPK on our website where you can download or stream the whole ep for free and also get hold of a press release, bio and some pictures. Basically, everything you would usually receive in an envelope from an annoying PR company, we bring you in website form from us, the band.

Please download it here and let us know what you think! Would you be interested in running a review? If you need anymore info, don’t hesitate to contact me here or using the details on the EPK.

RHV: I don’t think I got this before.. I’ll take a listen in the morning! Cheers

Band: Did you get round to having a listen in the end? Would love to hear your thoughts…

RHV: Yeah, I quite like the first track. If you want to post out a CD to the address below, we can do a review.

Band: Thanks! Can you review it off the back of everything on the epk? I’m afraid we’re being green (Ed: or is that being cheap?!) and not making physical copies! There are photos, album art, press release and a bio on there!

RHV: We can add it to the list, but to be honest, the amount of stuff we get to review via email is so huge, and we deal with CDs first just because we physically have to deal with them!

Band: I’ve had this back from a couple of journos and I really don’t understand it. Everything you would receive in physical form in an envelope is available at the click of a button on our epk. You have exclusive access to that – why is it harder to access all of this at the click of a button than to receive it through your letterbox? This may sound confrontational but is genuinely not meant to. I could just really use some explanation!

RHV: We get 100s of emails every day asking to listen to a new band/artist, we’re simply inundated. Online submissions have sometimes caused a problem with security. Plus, our writers like to receive CDs in the post more than they like to receive emails. And not everyone listens to music at their computers. In fact, many of our writers prefer not to (comfort, bad speakers etc)

I suppose it really boils down to the fact that if a band can’t be bothered to make a CD, send out a press release and a decent print, then why should we bother reviewing it? We only really use online streamings when there’s a big security issue (i.e. for a major band) so that listenings can be tracked by PR companies.

At the end of the day, we’re under no obligation to review or comment on anything we don’t want to, so if submission guidelines aren’t followed, then it’s straight to the trash can, or in our case, onto an ever increasing list of ‘Things To Consider’ if we ever get round to it, which is unlikely since we get more and more through the postbox every day.

If it’s any consolation, we do exactly the same with writers who ask to write for our site. Unless they submit stuff exactly as we ask, we just don’t have time to explain, edit and lead them by the hand through everything. I hope that explains a bit from our perspective!

We never got a reply.…

Dear Royal Mail,

I have a few questions for you.

Why does our postman leave packages outside our front door, in full view of the street? The clue is in the job title: POSTman. You post things. How can you fail at that?

Why does our local sorting office not answer the phone? Are they too busy adding charges to our packages because the postman didn’t have anywhere to display our mail outside our houses?

Why does your head office – when finding out my phone call is in relation to a complaint – put me through to an automated service? Is your automated service any better than my answering machine? Would I be better off asking a Magic 8 Ball? Probably not, because I don’t have one, so I’d have to order one online, and it’d never get delivered.

Why does our postman not even knock on the door when a package does not fit through the letterbox? Does he have no hands? That’s the only conclusion I can draw, but even then, perhaps he should use his head, because he certainly doesn’t use it for anything else.

Why does our postman not ask us to sign for packages which senders have paid a large sum of money to have Signed For status? Can he not read the large red sticker which adorns the package? Maybe being a postman isn’t the right job for him.

Why do we receive mail for our neighbours? We live on a street where all the numbers are clearly displayed right next to the front doors. Does he not understand the difference between 55 and 53? We just put it back in the post box so that you can try again.

Are any of your postmen actually capable of reading, or understanding numbers? Are they able to post things? What exactly is the process you have to go through to become a postman? Do you just pick brainless, armless aliens who have a predilection for short trousers and the colour red, and happen to stumble near a post office one murkey night? Is some kind of secret scientific experiment going on where sheeps’ brains have been put into human bodies to see if the rest of us real humans notice any difference?

The worrying thing is, what happens when your postmen get a promotion? Is there any intermidiary training? If my postman can’t read the words ‘SIGN FOR’, are you qualified to answer this email? Or do I have to phone up your extortionate 0845 number, complete an assult course through your telephone system, and have a discussion with your automated services to find out the post codes of Adam Crozier’s and Moya Greene’s houses, so that I can personally ask a CEO why your staff are less than incapable? What happens when Mr Crozier has ordered a £50 Blu-ray boxset of season 7 of 24 from Amazon.com, and it’s just left out on the street for passers-by to take at their will? Who does he complain to? Himself? I bet Mr Crozier just picks up his own mail as he leaves the office, fully aware that his staff are merely there so that he is CEO rather than the sole postman of the entire UK. Incidentally, I’m sure Jack Bauer could have the entire Royal Mail system running far more effectively in 24 hours.

Since you have created your website and phone systems so that customers are unable to complain, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. Tomorrow morning, I’m going to make sure I’m ready for when our postman arrives, and pose these questions to him myself. I’ll have a video camera ready.

I look forward to your answers – and to a time when everything is done digitally and the Royal Mail staff can go back to being single cell amoebae who don’t have to worry themselves with the taxing task of knocking on a door or putting an envelope through a door.

Warm regards,
RHV…

“What?!” you say. “You belong here. You’ve lived here your entire life. How can you write from the perspective of a lost traveller on their first visit to the Big Smoke?”

True, I am. But I have the authority. I’ve had Couchsurfers surf my couch (well, I never!) since 2008. And in that time, I have come to realise that foreigners — French, American, Turkish, Martian — all make the same mistakes when travelling to London for the first time. I now keep a list of essential tips, ready to impart. If you’re planning your first trip to London, put down your guidebook. This is what you really need to know.

1. Remember that rule about getting out everything you think you want to pack, and then only taking half of it? When you’re coming to London, take just a quarter. When your backpack hits another angry businessman on the Tube, you’ll be wishing you hadn’t bothered bringing three pairs of trainers.

2. However, you will be wishing you had twice the money. Look at what any guidebook suggests you need, and double it. A daily travel card for unlimited use on all transport is around £7. Many museums are free, but other attractions have sky high price tags.

3. Don’t forget a lightweight raincoat and a jumper — even if it is July.

4. It’s likely that the first time you feel utterly bewildered in London, you will be entering the dreaded Underground. All those lines, colours and zones. Some go east, some go north. The Northern Line even travels south. And the circle line isn’t a line at all. It goes round. Even if you do work it out, it’s likely that the Tube you need isn’t running. So, don’t waste precious time trying to figure it out; just ask at the ticket desks. Use www.tfl.gov.uk to plan journeys in advance.

5. Pay-as-you-go Oyster cards always save you money. And don’t ever buy a ticket to travel one stop in zone 1. It’s far quicker to walk.

6. Don’t expect to see the Queen outside Buckingham Palace, watering the flowers or going for a jog with the corgis. I’ve been five times, and have never even seen her poke her head out a window.

7. When crossing the road, look the wrong way.

8. Don’t expect cyclists or rickshaws to be any less ruthless on the road than other vehicles. They’re the meanest. And they pay no attention to traffic lights.

9. Don’t feel obliged to take every newspaper and flyer that is thrust in your face.

10. The funny shaped building at St Mary Axe is called The Gherkin. Gherkins are also the green bit you have to pick out of McDonalds’ burgers.

11. Big Ben is just the bell. The building is St Stephen’s Tower.

12. We only tip after served meals in restaurants. Not in bars, not at petrol stations, not in shops.

13. Tea is a very popular drink, but most of us have never drunk it with the Queen.

14. Travelling on a London bus or black cab is nowhere near as fun as you imagine it will be.

15. Cockney rhyming slang. No one really uses it.…

As the bulk of festival season draws to a close, we can all return to our daily humdrum of bland grey work suits and under eye bags, shuffling along the street to the bus stop. Yes, it’s time to put away your festival essentials for another year. And that doesn’t just mean putting the tent back up into the loft. If you are like anyone we’ve noticed at festivals this year, you’ll also be putting your mankini to the back of your underwear drawer, throwing out your fluorescent face paints, chucking away your glittery tutu, and packing up your banana outfit.

In the real world, you have no need for these items. You have no need for these items at a festival – yet still, as the years go by, it is becoming somewhat a necessity to dress up, act up and throw up to make it a true festival experience. A decade ago, festivals were populated by music lovers. You would expect to get rained on and muddy, and you wouldn’t bother packing a hairbrush. Now, festival goers fall neatly into one of four camps.

The Sensible Campers
These festival lovers bring a camping stove, camping furniture and have a tent large enough for a Romanian family. They carry crates of beer to their campsite to avoid paying arena prices, and undercook fatty bacon whilst perched on a stool to avoid the £6 burgers. It doesn’t matter if they get food poisoning; they’re armed with wet wipes, hand sanitiser and a four pack of Andrex.

The Excited Girls
They’re, like, sooooooooooooooooooo excited!!11!” They can’t help but scream things to their orange faced, slightly chubby friends, even when they’re standing right next to them. They bring hair straighteners, full masks of make up and umpteen changes of clothes, just in case they run into Brandon Flowers, and walk around with cardboard signs around their neck saying ‘Free Hugs!’. They paint each other in glitter and illuminous paint, and are usually found alone on the Saturday evening, inebriated, having lost all their friends and dropped their favourite bangle somewhere by the main stage. Can we help her find it? Absolutely not.

The Comedians
Yep, these lot think they’re real funny, but actually they crave attention. Whether dressed as a banana, a polar bear, a Rubix cube or a jar of mustard, it really doesn’t matter. They’ll get a few laughs from The Excited Girls, but dressing as a tree is neither comfortable, humorous, or functional. These lot also like to slide in mud and then run up and hug people. Uh huh, that’s real funny. You twat.

The Repressed Homosexuals
The mankini rose to popularity in 2006, and every festival since then has had its staunch mankini wearing crowd. It doesn’t matter than young children are running about. It doesn’t matter that the mankini wearer is fifteen stones and his shrivelled nut sack flaps about as he jumps up and down to Kasabian. The mankiners will still wear their mankinis. Other variations on this theme include the guys in ballgowns, tutus, leotards, and other girly clothes. Just about still in the closet, they use the festival as an excuse to exhibit themselves, and end up “drunkenly” having a fumble with their best mate from uni. It’s all a convenient cover up.

Roll on Winter…!…